Best of the Report
The health care reform bill before the House puts impenetrable insurance regulations on employers, and if they fail to comply, they could face a $500,000 penalty enforced by the IRS. Maybe that’s the free colonoscopy Obama promised.
Hugh Hefner just filed for divorce from his former Playmate wife, Kimberly Conrad. If you’d forgotten he was married, don’t feel bad. Apparently, he forgot that little detail, too.
At state-run hospitals in Australia, doctors complained about having to work up to 80 hours a week and falling asleep on the job, so the government recommended that they drink six cups of coffee a day. Great, now your surgeon can be both sleepy and jittery.
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There are some things that it is right to feel anger about. If you feel no rage over 9/11, then you are not as “evolved” as you think you are.
The House health care plan does forbid covering illegal aliens, but Democrats rejected giving hospitals the power to identify whether someone is an illegal alien. So in reality, it only prevents illegal aliens from being treated by doctors who are psychic.
Was it wrong of Rep. Joe Wilson to yell out, “You lie” at President Obama? Absolutely. Was it correct for him to apologize? Emphatically. But if you claim this was an unprecedented show of disrespect to a President, well, I’m sorry, but…you lie.
If you’d like some longevity tips, the oldest known American, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray of New Hampshire, says she loves ice cream, Hershey’s Kisses and the Boston Red Sox. Until now, I didn’t think loving any of those things was particularly good for your health.
The Census Bureau announced that it’s canceled plans to let ACORN help with the 2010 census. This could lead to a shameful undercounting of fictional Disney characters and Salvadoran prostitutes.
The mainstream media hardly mentioned that the Census Bureau had revoked its contract to work with ACORN in 2010. Maybe if Kanye West had yanked the Census contract out of ACORN’s hands, it would’ve actually made the news.
A new Pew Research Center poll finds that nearly two-thirds of Americans think the news stories they read, hear or watch are frequently unreliable. Trust me, that’s actually true.
Despite Obama’s warnings of no more bailouts if big banks get in trouble again, the government will most likely bail them out again. After all, a year ago, they were “too big to fail.” And thanks to the taxpayers bailing them out, what are they today? Still “too big to fail.”
I know I’m expected to give intelligent commentary on the daily actions of Congress, but some days, I think it might be more appropriate just to laugh out loud for three minutes straight.
Under new House guidelines, members are not allowed to call any President a liar or a hypocrite, but they may accuse him of pork-barreling, call his speech a disgrace to the country, and refer to his staff as the “half-baked nitwits handling foreign affairs.” So thank goodness, Congress hasn’t banned honesty entirely.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that it’s going to feel like a very weak economy for some time, and unemployment is likely to remain high, but “from a technical perspective, the recession is very likely over.” So break out the champagne…but make it the house brand.
President Obama pitched his health care plan on five Sunday news shows, followed by an appearance on David Letterman’s show. Some advisor needs to tell him that if there’s one thing Americans get tired of quickly, it’s an insurance salesman who won’t take no for an answer.
The makers of Snuggie, the blanket with arms, held their first fashion show in New York, with runway models showing off the new zebra and leopard prints. So congratulations, Snuggie fan. You’re no longer a couch potato; you’re now a “divan pomme de terre.”
A poll of 2,000 Britons found that men tell twice as many lies as women, but the most common lie was the same for both sexes: “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” That’s a lie we not only tell each other, we tell it to ourselves.
For Constitution Day, I’d like to recommend that our House and Senate members read the U.S. Constitution. Don’t worry; the original is only about six pages, not over a thousand. It’s just the blueprint for the entire U.S. government. It’s not a health care bill.
An Athens, Tennessee, man is facing aggravated assault charges after he was accused of pointing a shotgun at visitors in his house late Sunday night to make them go home. Good luck finding jurors who won’t be sympathetic to that!
Sen. Max Baucus released a compromise health care plan that was immediately ripped apart by Republicans and Democrats alike. So it turns out it really is a bipartisan plan: both sides hate it equally.
I strongly disagree with Former President Jimmy Carter that people are criticizing Obama because of his race. I think they’re just criticizing him because they think he’s starting to govern like Jimmy Carter.
You’d think that if anyone knew Presidents of any color can attract vociferous criticism, it would be Jimmy Carter.
When you’re President, dodging criticism, and sometimes shoes, is just part of the job. The color of your skin doesn’t matter. All that counts is how thick it is.
NASA has discovered the coldest spot in the solar system, a crater on the dark side of the moon where the sun has never shined and it’s 397 degrees below zero. That’s actually colder than the reception I’d get at a Maureen Dowd dinner party.
The White House is being accused of using the NEA to press artists to create art the promotes Obama’s political agenda, which would be taxpayer-funded propaganda. Of course, a lot of people think that’s what art has become anyway, but do we have to be so blatant about it?
After less than a week, Sen. Max Baucus’ health care bill has 564 proposed amendments to change it, so he put out a revised version Monday. I have a feeling he’ll be doing that every Monday from now on.
A Rasmussen poll finds that “Congress member” has sunk four places below “lawyer” and is now the least favorably regarded profession. And if you’re a Congress member who’s also a lawyer, well…I don’t think the chart goes that low.
California authorities say the recent wildfires saved them the trouble of having to destroy at least three major marijuana plantations hidden in the Angeles National Forest. If that news doesn’t convince California environmentalists to let them clear out the kindling, nothing will.
President Obama insists that forcing uninsured people to buy an expensive health care policy or pay a big fine is not a new tax. But since they’ll be forced by law to fork over a lot of their hard earned money to pay for services they’ll probably never use, it sure will feel like a tax.
The British clothing maker Thomas Pink is introducing a necktie with a pocket in the back to hold an MP3 player. So good news, men: someone finally figured out a use for neckties!
Sweden’s government hopes to boost the lagging economy by cutting taxes to encourage new businesses and job growth. It’s taken Sweden 25 years to learn the lessons Ronald Reagan taught, but we shouldn’t feel smug. After all, it took us less than 25 years to forget them.
Despite an ongoing budget crisis, dismal poll ratings and President Obama urging him to quit, New York Gov. David Paterson says his plans to run for reelection have not changed. Sounds like he might have even more faith in hope than Obama does.
Congratulations, I guess, to competitive eater “Humble Bob” Shoudt, who won the 2009 World Burrito eating championship at the New Mexico state fair by downing 33-1/2 burritos in 10 minutes. I have a feeling that today, he’ll be setting a new world record for swallowing the most Gas-X pills.
Fidel Castro praised President Obama, saying that no other U.S. President would’ve made the speech Obama gave at the U.N. And for once, Fidel Castro is actually right about something.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told the U.N. that it was a disgrace that they allowed an anti-Semitic Holocaust denier to stand at their podium, and if they think Ahmadinejad and his “odious regime” are only a threat to Jews, they are “dead wrong.” I just hope the U.N. had translators who understand the plain truth. It’s a language they don’t hear very often there.
Parents in Burlington, New Jersey, are upset over a video showing elementary school kids singing a hymn to Obama that includes the lines, “Red or yellow, black or white, they are equal in his sight, Barack Hussein Obama.” Sound like someone else you know, whom you’re NOT allowed to sing a hymn to in school?
Michael Moore’s new movie that slams capitalism as evil debuted in two theaters each in L.A. and New York and grossed a very strong $9,000 per screen. Poor Michael must be just devastated by the news.
